My Two-Headed, Garbling, Socially-Misfit Children

I've decided my life doesn't have enough drama, so for the month of June I'm going to do a new series each week sharing about an area of my life and my sometimes controversial opinions about it. Let's just drop any thoughts that I'm here to argue with anyone or am crusading for anyone to adopt my ideas or that I think they are better than your own. I'm just trying to share more about who I am and what I think about some things that people frequently ask me about. Read on and be nice.

If I had a dollar for every time I had the following conversation, I would be wealthy. Very wealthy.

Well-meaning person: "Where do your kids go to school?"

Me: "I homeschool them."

Well-meaning person: "Really? Wow. That's nice. I would do that but I would be worried about socialization..."

At this point in the conversation, I smile politely, all the while wanting to smack them over the head with a whack-a-mole mallet from an old school arcade. Where on earth do people get this stuff? Not only did this person just make the assumption that my kids are/are going to be complete social misfits but they also somehow got the idea that homeschooling creates a problem with "socialization"? (Even hearing that word makes me cringe.) Where did we get the idea that for children to be "socialized properly" they need to be in a group of 25 children their exact same age, often their same socio-economic status, who all live in the same geographic area?

One of the things I LOVE about homeschooling - and what I think gives kids who are educated this way the upperhand in "socialization" - is that everyday my children have the opportunity to interact with people from all different races, age groups, and financial situations. They are just as comfortable talking to the elderly person at the grocery store as they are interacting with the kid down the street. They are not limited socially from the typical public or private school scenario of having been conditioned for seven hours each day to only relate to one type of person.

And to be very honest, when people ask me about socialization, I often would like to ask a question of my own: Why would I want my children socialized in today's public or private schools? Within the last two weeks, two separate Facebook friends posted the following as their status updates:

"5 fights in 10 minutes, threats of gunfire, and Samoans and Mexicans in a heated racial clash. All today at [my son's] High School." - A dad of a student at a public school in a major U.S. city

"Just got back from THE CRAZIEST lunch at [my son's] school! Man!!! Those kids were out of control!!! Under the table, spitting on each other, pulling shirts off of other kids, rubbing food on their faces. It was nuts!!!!!!" - A mom of a student in a public school in suburbia

And this in an email: "My school year sure ended on a very sad note. A student brought in obscene photographs and passed them around to the class. When we got to the bottom of everything, [we found out] he had brought in pictures before! Just to let you know what the next generation is into - he was just a first grader!" - An employee of a rural public school

If subjecting my children to any of the above scenarios means they won't be "properly socialized", I am 100% willing to have that be the case. They can be the biggest freakazoids on the block for all I care. Not because I want to shelter them, but because I am willing to protect them from joining the rest of the inmates who are running the asylum. As a parent, I believe it is my responsibility to provide them with a safe learning environment where they are not bullied, belittled, or will have their innocence stolen.

Finally, I'll leave you with a letter written to the editor of Fredericksburg, Virginia's Free Lance Star a few years ago:

"Home-schooled and Skipping the 'Joys' of Modern Education"

When my wife and I mention to our well-intentioned friends that we are strongly considering home-schooling our children, we are without fail asked, "But what about socialization?"

Fortunately, we found a proven method by which our kids can receive the same socialization that public schools provide.

On Mondays and Wednesdays, I will personally corner my son in the bathroom, give him a wedgie, and take his lunch money.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays, my wife will make sure to tease our children for not being in the "in" crowd, taking special care to poke fun of any physical abnormalities.

Fridays will be "Fad and Peer Pressure Day", in which we will all compete to see who has the coolest toys, the most expensive clothes, and the loudest, fastest, and most dangerous car - all while dyeing our hair the same color and ripping our jeans.

However, every day, my wife and I will adhere to a routine of cursing and swearing in the hallways and mentioning our weekend exploits with alcohol and immorality.

If our kids attempt to use the bathroom without permission, we will punish them immediately; and we have asked them to hold us to a similar standard by reporting us to the authorities in the event we mention God or try to bring up morals and values.

And just think - all these benefits without a dime of taxpayers' money!

Alan Brymer
Stafford"

Well said, Alan. Thank you. I've kept your letter all these years b

ecause it continually encourages me on this journey that I am doing the right thing for my family.

P.S. If you are a homeschooling mom (or dad), feel free to tell me about your socially misfit children in the comments section below. I'm sure I would loooove them and will want to set up a playdate soon so we can all hang out being "improperly socialized" together.